Have You Ever thought about feeling good about yourself just for the sake of feeling good? Without some sort of end goal like feeling good about yourself so you can find a relationship?

In our culture we are taught that to be successful you have to be goal oriented. Further we are advised that we have to make our goals very specific. There is definitely merit in this, but often the big picture gets lost in this version of goal setting. Do we have to have a reason to feel good about ourselves? Or to simply feel good? 

I say we don’t. Feeling good about yourself, in it’s own right, is reason enough. It gives that all important mantra “I am enough” the rubber it needs to meet the road and get you traction you’re seeking with your self-esteem. 

Why is this important? 

I was very encouraged to come across a new post last night called “What If He Cries?” by Diane A. (D.A.) Sears, United States Coordinator for International Men’s Day (coming this November 19). In her post, Diane advocates for women to make safe spaces for men to be emotionally genuine during times of grief, sorrow, and loss. She says:

Why does it seem men have a harder time being alone than women? For one thing, it might be that women socialize with each other and share more than men do. They share both the good and the bad. This may actually be the very reason that makes the experience of being alone so much more painful for men.

Men do not tend to share their pain, but rather try to share their feats and accomplishments in an an attempt to posture or create the impression of strength amongst other men. No man wants to be on the losing end of a competition.

The other weekend I was out in Newport, RI with my wife celebrating my birthday. It is one of my favorite places to go, near my favorite beach to surf, and it has one of my favorite restaurants, The Red Parrot. They have the best Surf 'n Turf, this amazing lobster filled steak with garlic sauce. I can never resist it.

Anyway, as we were walking back to our bed and breakfast there were some guys sitting on a bench, obviously a little drunk. They started complimenting me that I was with a woman, "Good for you, man." It was clear that the compliment did not come from a place of feeling good about themselves, but was more self-pity. It seemed from their tone of voice they were saying "What's wrong with me that I can't get a woman to go home with me?" 

Last week I went over how giving too much of a shit can lead to chronic rejection, pain, and lack of success dating (click here). Today I am addressing how the aspect of caring too much that nice guys have a tendency to do can hurt your relationship. I want to share a personal example to point out how nice guys can appropriately assert their needs without having to do the complete opposite and be a total asshole.

Most men believe they are absolutely positively good at two things. Most men think they can win a fight (especially when we are angry), and most men think they are good with women. The pain the first belief can cause is obvious. The second belief is not as readily apparent to us, and a lot of excuses can be made for why an interaction or relationship with a woman didn't turn out well. When we don't accept that we may be part of the problem it can cause significant emotional pain that further alienates our ability to establish attraction and carry that into a relationship. When you can come into acceptance with the fact that you might not be good with women it makes the path forward very clear and then you can begin to make the changes that are going to open up new, positive experiences with women.