Who's steering this ship anyway?

Often men come to me for advice about how to improve their dating life. The most common piece of advice I give is to stop trying to get dates by making ‘the right’ impression and learn how to start enjoying yourself. Often men are perplexed by this advice. Doesn’t most dating advice echo the importance of making a good impression like that old Head and Shoulders commercial? We’ve been conditioned so strongly to believe that how other people see us is what’s most important, so it’s no wonder that so many men doubt this advice. But, low and behold, when they start following it they not only start getting more dates, they also go on more dates with women they want to date and not just whoever will agree to a date with them. 

Why is this you ask? 

Think of it this way- if you’re enjoying your life, loving what you do, it’s going to take something seriously cool to get you to break your regular plans- again, that is, if you love your routine. A lot of guys aren’t enjoying their regular routine, much less their life, and they feel lonely because of this. The common next thought is “It would be great to have a relationship so I wouldn’t feel lonely.” Makes sense, right? Sort of… The problem is that this puts the onus on somebody other than you for your own happiness- an external locus of control. That is a lot of pressure on a relationship, and most women pick this up pretty quickly when a man gives off the vibe that he’s looking to her for the source of his positive emotions. Further, when you have an external locus of control this increases the risk that you will experience depression; you feel good about yourself when someone likes you, and bad about yourself when someone doesn’t like you, for example. It’s depressing when what you think will make you happy is not in any way in your control. 

The key to avoiding this is developing an internal locus of control. Be the source of your own happiness. Be the party that you want to be, rather than looking to crash her party and mooch off her party favors. 

If you live your life with this mindset, on a date you will always have things to talk about. You’ll never be at a loss for what to say because you will be actively involved in activities you feel passionate about. Likewise, in a relationship if you and your partner are arguing you can take care of your own needs until the hardship has passed. This allows you to maintain your sense of personal identity within the relationship and stand your ground about what you feel is truly important to you, as well as accept what is important to your partner. Rejection won’t matter as much, you’ll respect a woman’s decision and let her go her own way without getting overly emotional. Best of all you can go on with your life and pursue other opportunities without getting hung up on why one person did not work out. In addition, by default, you’re putting your true self out there for your date to see. Instead of sabatoging a potential connection by engaging in people pleasing, you’ll be an genuine presence that will empower your date to be the same so you both can objectively experience each other and decide if the match is right or not.

If you're looking for more nuggets of wisdom to help you on your way to a great relationship...

Getting to the First Date eBook, The Online Dating Sidekick for Nice Guys... www.danbolton.com/FirstDateBook

Download your free online dating companion Online Dating Checklist for Men now! Get your head write and into the right mindset before you even send the first message, a checklist of tips of what to write and what not towrite, and guidelines to keep in mind as you write up your online dating profile.

If you're a nice guy who is tired of being left in the dust, not getting the girl, or feel like you keep getting the short end of the stick in relationships, I am running an in-person and online group called Self Respect for Nice Guys. I'm here to coach you how to use your authentic personality to your advantage to get you where you want to be in life, and the type of attraction you want and find a happy, healthy relationship or turn the tide in one that is not making you happy. No more getting walked all over by women, no more seeing only other guys get the girl. It's your turn now... It's time to make it happen! This is for motivated men who are willing to take the next step, but need some direction. If you want to sign up for this group, do so here: www.selfrespectforniceguys.com. This is more than the regular email list. This group is for men who are ready to be active in the next step in their personal transformation. 

Make sure to reserve your spot in the group! Availability is limited... www.selfrespectforniceguys.com

As always feel free to email me with your thoughts or questions. I look forward to hearing from you...